Leaves

There’s concrete below me
And a sky above, so blue.
People ruin people,
I don’t want to ruin you.

I’m just a sickness and you seem to be the cure.
How much can a southern girl, honestly endure?

And I’m finally gone from Austin.
You’ve finally settled down.
With a man who didn’t move as quick,
As the trains that roll through town.

I finally had to face,
The hard times I’ve let go.
If loving you is an ocean,
I’d drown so you could float.
-Zach Bryan

I’ve been traveling the world for a while now. It’s something I definitely needed to do and an experience I believed would give me greater perspective on life. Twenty one thousand miles. Eight countries. One really sketchy situation involving a scuba tank, rugby team, coffee mugs full of beer, a spear gun and the potential for an international incident with the Australian military. I was hoping that through meeting people and seeing new places that I would finally find an answer for some of the ways I look at myself. I find though, that clarity doesn’t just come magically if you just wish it were so. Ultimately, I’ve learned that people aren’t really all that different whether it’s Europe, Africa, Asia, or home. You’re still you and they have always been them.

You can’t always outrun yourself even with thousands of AMEX points.

It’s simultaneously an incredibly big and small world out there. It seems that interpersonal relationships are a funny thing as well. Patterns start to emerge in yourself and you look in the mirror and realize you haven’t really changed much because you don’t put in the effort required to do so. And who could blame anyone for that? It’s always easier to swim with the current than against it.

But then you’re reminded of all the little things no matter where you are. The things that remind you of a different time and a different place. A smell of lavender in the shower. A stray calico kitten purring against your leg. A word in another language whispered in your ear. The taste of whiskey mixed with hornet venom. The color of the ocean when it’s still as glass. A gentle touch on the small of your back. That ringing in your ears. The aroma of incense. The taste of plantains and fresh salt bread in the morning. The excitement before biting into a piece of foreign fruit. The cracking of billiards and smoke on your tongue. A nervous giggle from behind the bar. The sound of feet striking the ground in unison. The feeling of air and fresh rain as it enters your lungs. Of holding a live grenade in your hands. Of feeling your heart beat out of its chest as a crimson Ford Ranger rounds the corner.

All of these things hold meaning for me in ways you, reader, won’t ever fully understand. They happen in the strangest of ways and out of nowhere, regardless of the continent or country or island. They happen at the slightest provocation or the smallest hint. Even now, just typing this out I can experience them. Some make me happy. Others make me sad.

And I’m tired. Exhausted, really.

Tired of dealing with these same things. These occurrences which bring back memories. Memories of people in your life that are suddenly gone. The ones that say there are there for you but only at convenience. The ones that express their love conditionally. The ones thrusting their life lessons on you like they were ever actually listening in the first place.

The ones who fall like leaves.

More and more I have found myself losing these people from my life and being better for it. Whether through their own actions or cutting them out on my own. I’m learning that a small, select group of people have proven more worth than friends who have been strangers for years.

I’m finding the lone wolf again.

I’ve been a stray pup for too long now. Excited and eager when anyone comes along simply because it doesn’t know any better. Wagging his tail without a care but not understanding why it’s been put in a cage the minute they leave the room.

Maybe you swim against the current not because it’s easy, but because that’s the only way to survive. You struggle for the meaning found in it. Like I’ve mentioned before in my previous post, life isn’t fair. So you better get stronger and you had better toughen up to live in this world. A world filled with memories you’d rather forget. Of love and friendship that is nowhere to be found. A real friend once told me, “sometimes you have to be a lion to be the lamb you truly are”. That resonates with me in a way I can’t fully put into words at the moment.

Maybe another time, I’ll be able to.