Achilles,
Achilles,
Achilles come down,
Won’t you get up off,
Get up off the roof?
Where you go, I’m going
So jump and I’m jumping.
Since there is no me, without you.
-Gangs of Youth
Life isn’t fair.
-Dad
The title to this one hits hard for me. For as long as I can remember, my father kept a sign stating “Life Isn’t Fair” above his classroom. He always said he was trying to prepare his kids not just for middle school math, but for life. It’s strange but not surprising how its on my mind tonight. It’s a brightly lit lounge and the ship isn’t rocking anymore. We are moving too slow for that tonight.
We passed Manila today. I lit up a Camel Crush with the guys and leaned against the rusted chains that keep us “safe” from falling into the water below. Little birds were skimming the surface. I puffed another drag and wondered if any species of shark had ever figured out how to burst from the water and catch them from below.
The sharks are always lurking, after all.
I was raised to believe that, for the most part, people should be given the benefit of the doubt. My mother and sister still give money and food to the homeless while the cynic in me feels they are just going to use it on the next drink or fix. A lot of them say they are veterans and I always used to believe those were clever lies too.
Then you see what the military is capable of doing to people. What other people are capable of doing to people.
Life isn’t fair.
Sometimes the shark decides to go for the grown seal that’s lived a full life and other times it’s the newborn pup getting a little too adventurous. Nature seems to rarely care about morals or righteousness. I’m reminded of the quote from the Hogfather, “THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY”. While we believe in such things and strive to make them possible, it isn’t the nature of the world to care.
Life isn’t fair.
Sometimes you love someone with everything you have just to be disappointed and crushed. Trauma building upon trauma until you don’t even recognize the person you are anymore. You trauma bond and then are left in the fetal position waiting for someone coming along to save you. But no one really does. Trauma begets trauma. Attracts it. Envelopes you and makes it hard to breathe. Sure you try. You take medication and meditate and talk to someone. They say you are doing better but do you really put the words into motion? Are you all bark and no bite? Do you have anything worthy to share?
Life isn’t fair.
Sometimes a Spider comes along and offers you a deal of a lifetime. A way out of the slums. Tells you to pick yourself up and that it’ll be ok, you can do this with them. Friends abandon friends. Brothers forget brothers. Lies are told. Truths bent and twisted until it doesn’t resemble the thing in the first place. Rumors get thrown around until something you held near and dear to you has been transformed into something ugly. Then you have to start watching what you say. The people you trusted can’t be trusted anymore. Suffering. All because of who you are and a Spider who decided to leave its lair.
Life isn’t fair.
I told myself I was going to be more truthful in my life. Honesty is the best policy right? Well around here honesty can get you and those around you hurt. Honesty turns into lies when repeated and repeated and repeated all day long. It’s better to shut up and go about your business. Then again, it is your business so why hide it? I think I understand why most men don’t want to talk about their feelings. A lot of people would say that you need to get everything out and just let your friends know what’s wrong. What’s lying under the surface waiting to rip. Waiting for a chance to tear.
Life isn’t fair.
I guess as I get older I’m just becoming more of that cynic. Learning hard lessons in life because of my own actions. Learning that life wants to beat you around sometimes and that the best of intentions can have really bad side effects. Learning that people use people for their own gain, their own secret agendas. Learning more and more that flawed human beings are a triage. Save who you can and read the rest their last rites. A drowning victim will reach out for you in fear and panic to accomplish nothing but dragging you down with them and I feel life can be a lot like that. I’ve been dragged down and I’ve drug people, good people, down with me. But I’m not a Spider. I refuse to catch someone and keep them prisoner while I feast on them slowly. I’m not a shark, lurking beneath the surface waiting to strike on an unsuspecting victim. I’ll do my best to make the world better than I found it. I’ll try my damndest to heal and move forward even if it means crawling through the mud and muck to do so. I’ll also keep in mind that there’s all the reason in the world to be a good man because ultimately;
Life isn’t fair.
Meals & Monarch 