Stars

“Lately, I’ve been,
I’ve been losing sleep.
Dreaming about the things
That we could be.
But baby,
I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard.
Said no more counting dollars,
We’ll be counting stars.”
-OneRepublic

“I can’t go on. I’ll go on.”
-Samuel Beckett

I’m feeling a certain way tonight. The air is recycled and there is the distant hum of the engine all around me. A pale light illuminates the immediate area and I sit on a relatively comfortable chair. A buddy of mine comes in and chats for a minute about the existence of god, demons, aliens and spirituality. There’s that gentle rocking back and forth that I’ve gotten used to at this point. Like a silent lullaby telling me to rest for the busy day tomorrow.

But I sit here still, unable to sleep.

Another friend comes in. Sees me writing and sits down. Tells me he had a decent day. Yes there are annoyances. The one coworker won’t shut the fuck up. The other that has been crying her eyes out for days. It’s hard for me to empathize with them. Sure I have my occasional cry, but it’s always better to never let anyone see. No matter what the new age might tell me, from personal experience people just lose respect for you when you cry in front of them. Even subconsciously.

I cried the other night. It was my dad’s birthday. I looked out at the water and just kept my necklace close at hand to remind me of him. I wondered what advice he would give me. I looked up at the stars too. Out here you can see them all, the whole galaxy spread out before you.

Big Dipper.

Little Dipper.

Jupiter.

Someone cracks a Uranus joke.

Northern Star.

He was my northern star in a lot of ways. That constant presence never wavering in bringing you home. Dad always had this image of being larger than life to me. Always doing the right thing and my beacon for the man I wanted to be. Sure there were fights and moments I thought things were just so unfair. No one has the answers on how to raise a child, I think. But dammit if he didn’t always do his best. I haven’t always lived up to that image though.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments where I know he would be proud of me. Even in those moments where I was not living up to my potential, I had that star to guide me. His star.

I pick one out that catches my eye with a slight glimmer to it. Like it’s trying to communicate with me in it’s own form of celestial Morse Code that I just can’t quite make out. It reminds me of when someone shouts your name so you snap your head in the direction but can’t make anything else out.

You recognize when you’re summoned.

I’m wondering what he is trying to tell me. Would he say that life is short and to live it the best way possible? Would he convince me that Heaven awaits (because how could it not with all the beauty in the sky)? Would he tell me to slow down, that I’m burning out climbing the ladder? Maybe he was telling me to stop smoking. To stop playing around all the time. To keep pushing forward. To get up after that bull bucks you off.

All I settled on was that he was saying he loved me.

So I cried.

I cried into the darkness and into the galaxy searching for an answer from him. The tears ran down my cheeks and the wind highlighted them on my skin like rivers snaking their way through a desert. Taking those familiar paths across my nerves from whenever the last time I cried was. My chest tightened, my posture slacked.

It felt cathartic.

It felt pathetic.

At least no one was around to see it. I like to imagine though, that Dad was out there in the stars, watching me. Trying to guide me to this moment in time with the heavens overhead. Holding the back of my neck the way he used to that made me feel safe and secure. That larger than life presence above me was him looking down on me, reminding me that I’m just a man. A flawed one in a million different ways but a good man at my core. The wind was him telling me it’s ok to cry but to pick myself up and dry off; there’s work to be done. The waves his little reminder that power lies beneath the surface, waiting to erupt but needing control. The friends around me his way of showing me it’s ok to laugh on days like today, no matter how stupid the joke was.

I tucked my necklace back into my shirt and feel it rest in that familiar space on my chest, near my heart. I take another look at the stars and thank them. It isn’t just dad out there, after all.

Artemis.

Saturn.

Boeing 747.

I walked back towards my friends, all staring skyward having their own little moments with the universe. Are they thinking about their loved ones? Are they contemplating their small role to play in the universe? Are they sad or happy or angry at everything this life has thrown their way?

No one shows their emotions. No one says what they are thinking.

So I sit down, stare up at the sky and join them.

We continue to commune with the heavens.