Expectations

“She’s gonna save me, call me baby
Run her hands through my hair.
She’ll know me crazy, soothe me daily
Better yet, she wouldn’t care.
We’ll steal her Lexus, be detectives
Ride ’round, picking up clues.
We’ll name our children, Jackie and Wilson
Raise ’em on rhythm and blues.”
-Hozier

Sometimes I draw some kind of idea or thought about writing from the music I listen to. It’s why I tend to include the lyrics to songs before starting any of it. It’s been a busy few months since my last post and honestly I’ve suffered from a bit of writer’s block while being equally harsh on myself. There have been a multitude of posts written, edited, scrapped and then dug out from the garbage hoping I had something worth sharing. Even though the smallest group of people may stumble onto this site (hi, Mom), I always felt what I wanted out of this was something profound. I guess I had some unrealistic expectations for myself.

The thing about expectations though is you never really know what you’re getting. Take the song for example. Sounds like Hozier has these really amazing expectations for his relationship while he’s singing this upbeat song (you should give it a listen). But it also seems a little out of character for him. It isn’t until you get to the end of the song that he smokes a cigarette and details how this love of his life is gone, leaving him with empty expectations and folding back into the man he was before.

While I don’t necessarily share his initial optimism for relationships anymore, I’ve understood it. I sit here typing, puffing my own cigarette and staring out into the California sky with a week left before I say goodbye. I wondered while listening what my expectations for this place were. I think it was supposed to be reinventing myself and finding some sort of passion again.

In a way, I suppose it has been.

I made the decision a while back but writing it out seems to be the most apropos way of expressing myself that I won’t be having children anymore. It was after a long time of reflecting and facing hard truths that I came to this. It’s also in no way a decision I made lightly. Expectations for myself were to always have a family and fall madly in love. The kind I used to see in movies and TV shows that gave me a sense of hope when I was younger.

“Every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside,
We’d sit and watch the world go by.
Happy to lie back and watch it burn and rust,
We’d tried the world, good God
It wasn’t for us.”

I’ll always thank this place for the harsh lessons it’s taught me and the great times I had when out past 2am. I’ll thank it for the sunshine and the beach. For the weather and for the heartache. For the friends I’ve had and the love I’ve lost. For the tears, laughs, hugs and fights.

Thankful for the expectations I once had and for leaving them buried behind me with a new chapter ahead.

Thankful for Brooklyn and Lee, I’m sure you two would have been beautiful.

Thankful for a chance for the next step to be something I choose.

So here’s to Jackie and Wilson.

Here’s to rhythm and blues.